Ultimate XMen Random Pointless  Team Up
by alexywill22
Summary: Ultimate Marvel Xmen in a collection of random stories where they team up with other Ultimate Marvel characters, not to fight crime or anything, just to, you know, hang and stuff... R&R?
1. Joyride

A/N: I love Everything about Ultimate Marvel. So this is just as a joke.

Disclaimer: I don't owe any of this. Or Scott would have died back at the Island.

Title: Joyride.

Characters: Logan (Wolverine), Bobby (Ice-man), Rogue (Um… Rogue), Jean (Marvel Girl), Peter (Colossus) and Peter Parker (Spiderman).

Summery: A few days after Xavier's death, some of the X members discuss how dumb Scott is for disbanding the X-men. And Spiderman is there too. Cause.

Spoilers for: Ultimate X men (Up to issue 80) Ultimate Spiderman (Up to issue 107)

Reasoning for this: I hate Scott. And I am way too hyper.

Fade in:

A road in the middle of the night. A single black SUV drives along the highway. Not speeding. Just driving around.

Title: Somewhere in the general area of New York, since that's where all the cool heroes hang.

We cut to inside the car where we can see several people we may be e already familiar with. The annoying slutty redhead. The frigid skunk hair girl. Then there's the dumb stoner dude with a cap. Then the hairy creepy guy smoking a cig and driving. There was the strong big man who was really gay in the back and finally a normal looking kid.

Peter: Oh my god! Oh my God!

Logan: Quiet, kid.

Peter: (As babbler mouth as ever.) Where are you taking me? Why am I here? Is this because of kitty? You're all sent here to kill me cause we broke up, aren't you? I upset you guys and now you're all going to use your weird mutant powers to kill me and leave me stranded naked somewhere sodomized with one of your claws!

Rogue:…

Peter: I really wish I wouldn't have said the last part.

Jean: Though it's been a fantasy for a while, hasn't it, Peter?

Peter: GET OUT OF MY HEAD!

Rogue:…

Colossus: I always thought about being sodomized by Logan.

Bobby: Um, can I interrupt this sharing fun time by asking why did you bring me here? I have an X-box waiting at home that I need to make sweet sweet love to.

Jean: Because what Scott wants is unreasonable. He can't just disband the x men!

Peter: Whoa, you guys are quitting?

Rogue: Yeah.

Peter: Really?

Jean: Yeah.

Peter: Seriously?

Bobby: Do you always do the question thing?

Peter: It's a condition.

Rogue: I'm confused, y'all. I thought Logan up an' left and so did Colossus for that matter.

Logan: You want to discuss continuity problems? Take it to the Fantastic four.

Peter: Hey, I know them.

Bobby: Shut up.

Peter: No, you shut up.

Bobby: What is your mutant power? Annoying people with your jabbering?

Peter: I am proportionally annoying as a spider.

Bobby: What does that even mean?

Jean: We're here to discuss, Scott.

The room fell silence.

Jean: He is just dealing with Charles's death the best way he knows how. By being really dumb and thinking we like taking orders from an overgrown boy scout.

Rogue: He's bad in the sack, ain't he, hun?

Jean: Don't get me started. The guy just lays there while I manipulate his body to do what I need him to do.

Peter: Whoa…

Jean: Stop picturing me naked.

Peter:…

Jean: Everyone in this car stop picturing me naked.

The car falls silent. Logan smirks.

Logan: Why don't you just give him a happy and make him put the team back together?

Jean: I tried. He still doesn't want it back. He claims this will be better for everyone.

Bobby: Yeah, why be superheroes when you can be a school? Listen, can you drive me back, I really want to get back to my Halo.

Rogue: You and your joystick.

Bobby: At least the joystick let's me touch it once or twice.

Rogue takes off her gloves and touches Bobby unconscious.

Peter: OH MY GOD!

Logan: Kid-

Peter: She just used her evil mutant powers to kill him!

Logan: Kid-

Peter: OH MY GOD!

Logan extended his claws out.

Peter: This is me shutting up now.

Colossus: Well, I don't know what's the problem. I'm all for not being an X-man anymore. I think me and Jean-Paul have a real shot-

Jean: Look, Token. You're gay and that's cool, but is not about you. And is not about any of us in this car. It's about Xavier's dream for this world. A world where the super powered wear suits and go by goofy names and fight Giant Robots and get killed and or captured by evil monsters. A world where a middle age guy brought kids to his house and manipulated them mentally. His dream future.

Pregnant silence.

Jean: Oh my God! Stop picturing me naked!

Peter: Can I go home now? I'm on a curfew!

Jean: Fine.

Peter: why did you even bring me anyways?

Jean: Honestly, this whole scene and ordeal stopped making sense to me so whatever.

Rogue: Ya'll wanna go see Transformers.

All: Hooray!

End.

Or is it?

Well, if you want more of these you'll have to tell me.


	2. Movie Night

Title: Movie Night

Characters: Bobby (Ice-man), Toad (Mortimer... –snicker.-), Rogue (Um… Rogue), Jean (Marvel Girl), Scott (Captain Dumb-ass/Cyclops) and Steve Rogers (Captain America), Pietro (Quicksilver) Wanda (Scarlet Witch) and Peter Parker (Spiderman).

Summery: After Bishop took off to make new X men Scott felt like a douche, so Jean set up a play-date with the Ultimates. And Spiderman's there too. Cause.

Spoilers for: Ultimate X men (Up to issue 83) Ultimate Spiderman (Up to issue 110) The Ultimates Volume 2 (Up to issue 13)

Reasoning for this: I don't know. Two guys liked it, so I said, cool and did another one.

Fade in:

We cut inside the X-mansion big ass living room. Right on the big ass couch that's in front of the big ass TV. Yep. And all you have to do to have all of this is live with a manipulative old telepath who has a thing for teenagers. And wear tight revealing clothes. Except not anymore. Cause He died.

So sad.

Title: The Fucking Big Ass Mansion for Gifted Freak Shows.

So anyways. Scott and Jean are curled up disgustingly on the couch. On Scott's side (left) sits Captain America looking at the screen somewhat disapproving. On Jean's side, sits Quicksilver. Totally feeling up Jean's boob several times, too fast for anyone to notice.

On the floor sits Rogue and Bobby, together, but not touching. Aw. In contrast, 16 year old Peter Parker sits with a stripper on his lap. Oh. That's Wanda. Difference? I think not.

Peter: (Inner thought bubble) OH MY GOD! There's a Woman. A real live woman. Sitting on your lap. Oh my God. Oh my God. I have a girlfriend. And I just got back together with her. She'll leave me again if she sees I left her for a mutant. Twice. Oh God. Wanda's moving. Oh God. Please don't let her feel that. Shit. I'm in so much trouble. Try to think of something else. Your Aunt's still in the hospital, Peter. Yeah. That's sad. Oh God… she's wearing leather on my crotch.

He sees Jean. He freaks.

Peter: (Inner thought bubble) Oh no. Please tell me she didn't hear.

Jean: (Inner thought bubble) I so did. Be grateful, Parker. At least you're not dating a piece of Wood.

Scott: (Inner thought bubble) I'm so cool. I can be in a dark room with glasses. You're a sexy man, Scott. You got the hottest chick in the room. Oh yeah. I'm sure everyone wants to tap some of that Jean ass. And I do. In the good Christian way, each Saturday night.

Jean: I need a new dildoe.

Silence.

Jean: Did I say that out loud?

Wanda decided to use her powers to create a probable change of the awkward scene. Toad came in.

Wanda: Shoot. I hate when I get the math wrong.

Toad: Wanda, hey. What you doing with the Spider runt? Don't you wanna come sit on Toad's old lap?

Pietro: If I wasn't so busy pawing at Jean right now, I would hit you, Toad.

Jean: Hmmm. Pietro. Meet me in the bedroom in 15.

Scott: You said that out loud too.

Jean: I know.

Peter: I still fail to understand why I'm here! (Off Wanda's look.) Not that there's anything wrong with it.

Captain America: Such raw display of lust and profanity is such a sin.

Pause. Bobby ice-blocks Captain America again.

Bobby: You're welcome. Now if we're all done here, I want to play my video games.

Rogue: You are such a teenage stereotype.

Bobby: Am not! Now, excuse me while I go blog this on my myspace.

Bobby heads upstairs. Wanda is grinding against Peter. Pietro and Jean left elsewhere. Toad sat next to poor neglected and generally stupid Scott.

Scott: You're my friend, Toad. Am I that lame?

Toad: Yes.

Peter: I got a girlfriend…

Wanda: Peter, live a little.

BOOM!

A huge massive explosion has taken out the X-mansion. Everyone gathers at the foyer and looks out in the wall left by the impact.

It's Nick Fury and S.H.I.E.L.D agents galore.

Nick: Alright. Who the hell is the idiot who declared movie night and not invite me? I'm only the coolest person in the world. Especially now that I'm black, bitch.

Everyone wisely points to Scott.

Nick: Soldiers. Fire.

A bunch of guns shoot off, some even from members of the X men near the house. Everyone took a million shots all ripping to shreds the stupid moronic waste of space that is Scott Summers. Because God I… they hate him so.

Cut to: Next morning.

We're behind the X mansion. A funeral, very X3, is being held for Scott. His body, what little is left of it, descend in the whole. Everyone is there and shit but no one looks particularly sad.

Jean: I just keep wondering…

Toad: What it would've happened if we tried to save him instead of beating his remains with baseball bats?

Jean: What? No. I meant I wonder what Pietro had planned to do with his tongue right before the shooting started.

Pietro: We can still do that? Bathroom in 10.

Jean: Sweet.

Peter: I didn't even know the dude's name.

Wanda: You know, I was the last person to kiss him.

Peter: No you weren't.

Wanda: I know, I'm trying to sound sympathetic so you'll wanna sleep with me, any problems with that?

Peter: None.

Both the Maximoff siblings leave with their respective bootycalls.

Cut to the night time.

We know it's nighttime cause of the helpful title.

Title: Night time.

See? We focus on Scott's grave. A hand pops out. Lamely.

The end?

Well… maybe not.


End file.
